Who am I and what the hell am I doing here?

This is a very new, exciting, and honestly terrifying experience for me. You might be thinking, “Hailey, why the f*** would this be scary?” And you’d be right for questioning my thought process and thinking I’m being dramatic. I most likely am, but still… First, let me introduce myself. My name is Hailey Lightfield, hence Quarter “Light” Crisis instead of life. Any who, I am currently a 29-year-old lady (cue Jenna Marbles singing voice, iykyk) questioning EVERY decision I’ve ever made in life. And I mean every decision, friendships to family to career choices and financial decisions and everything above, around, and in between. I’m quite frankly the most put together hot mess anyone’s ever seen. I know, I know. I clearly have a flair for dramatics, but can you blame me? It makes things exciting… Anyways, I started this blog because I figured there were a lot of women and just people in general who are in their 20’s who are confused and frustrated about their progress in life or lack thereof. I mean I cannot be the only one. Right? RIGHT? 

Truthfully, I pride myself on being this hyper-independent person who goes for what she wants and has a million ideas swirling around in my head for business ideas, book/writing ideas, and painting/art ideas. My head space is so busy and filled to the brim with creativity and adventures waiting to happen. So why haven’t they happened? Why am I a 29-year-old-lady who feels like I haven’t accomplished much of anything. I’m scared to do 98% of the ideas that I have. Why?

Well through therapy and an extensive self-healing journey, I’ve discovered that it comes down to the fact that I’m a control freak with a crippling fear of failure. I’ve structured almost every piece of my life out and although I would say overall, I’m happy, there’s something missing. I’m craving an outlet or anything to dive into and make something all on my own. Make a path in life and stand firm knowing its something that I decided, and I accomplished. I think growing up as the oldest daughter, having my shit together was so ingrained in me. I quite literally didn’t have an option to fall apart and slack off. I was setting examples and helping raise tiny minds (I have A LOT of siblings) into mostly well-adjusted adults. If you’re one of my siblings reading this, I’m talking about you when I say “mostly” lol But in all seriousness, I am lost. I spent my entire life, living for others, giving up opportunities to serve my family and show them that in all the craziness in life I’m their one dependable constant. I am the rock in the roaring river and the foundation to dreams. That isn’t an ego thing or me tooting my own horn but that’s the role I’ve filled for them. So why can’t I be that for myself? Why is it that I can pour so much effort and energy into them but can’t seem to pay attention to the one person screaming for help and for her dreams to be nurtured and achieved? I don’t know. So I’m starting this blog to not only hopefully relate to people but also to help myself document my journey into at least trying to reach my goals or going out on a limb and attempting to fulfill my dreams, even at the risk of not succeeding. I’m tired of standing in my own way.

If you can relate, please follow along. I will take you through my life and make a list of things I want to accomplish even if the ugly in my brain tells me I can’t. Because I believe in everyone else, including you, that you can reach your dreams and aspirations. I’m going to try to learn to do that for myself as well and if you’re like me and harder on yourself than everyone else I hope you find some comfort in this and maybe even I can help or inspire you through this journey of maybe some failures but I’m hoping mostly wins. Here’s to proving ourselves wrong.

Just remember, if you’re standing in the background making sure the show runs smoothly, you too deserve to stand in the spotlight for your contributions.

Sappy af I know but I mean it.  Also, if you’re in the same boat, email me at [email protected] and tell me what goals you haven’t gone after, why you haven’t, and what baby steps you’re planning on making in order to change. Good luck and you’ll be hearing from me soon.