I forgot my wedding anniversary…

I don’t know about you but when I forget a doctor’s appointment or miss a meeting or something, I feel like my life is completely off track. I’m so used to being organized and being on top of everything that a minor slip up can send me into a spiral. My thoughts can be a brutal symphony of self deprecating insults, shaming me for my lack of responsibility and memory. What can I say? I’m a total control freak that wants everything to go smoothly. I pride myself on being everything for everyone so when I can’t even manage to make a doctor’s appointment in a timely manner, I freak.

So much to my dismay, imagine my surprise when I got home yesterday and noticed that my husband had bought me a card, flowers, a bottle of wine, and some dark chocolates. Very confused and like the absolute jackass I am, I asked “Thank you but what is this even for?”. If my present self could go back to my past self and slap her in the face, I totally would. It was strike two on my already pathetic mental status. My husband, being the absolute angel that he is, just laughed a little and said “Happy Anniversary babe”. I’m not exactly sure what the exact words my inner monologue used but it was somewhere along the lines of: YOU. DUMB. INCONSIDERATE. BITCH.

Yeah, yeah I know. I’m not very nice to myself sometimes but to explain further as to why I was so upset, not only did I not remember but I also stayed late at work to do a few things to make my workload easier today. Not just a little late. Nope. Three freaking hours late. I’m a work-a-holic anyways but it just added on to the already festering guilt I was feeling. With tears in my eyes, I opened the card to the sweetest message of love and admiration which was lovely but also the final nail in the coffin. I am the worst wife ever. It just kept repeating in my head. Over and over and over again.

Kirk who is very understanding, told me it was perfectly fine and he knew I was going to forget with how stressed I’ve been lately. He even made a joke about it to his supervisor at work. So why did I still feel so bad? Why was I so angry with myself? After thinking about it a lot and talking more in therapy about things, I think it’s because of what I said earlier. I am everyone’s everything. I’m not allowed to be off my game for a second because I have so many people depending on me at all times. From friends, to employees, to boss, and to most of my family I am old reliable.

It’s not a brag or ego thing. I’ve just always been that way. Always more comfortable being the helper than the helped, I’ve just gotten use to this role. But now, it’s got me in a position that I’m no longer comfortable in. Feeling like I have to say yes to everyone and everything all the time is exhausting. Through this journey of trying to heal, I’ve been determined to try to be fair with myself and give myself grace. So long story long and getting back to my forgotten anniversary, here is what I learned after some reflection:

1. Kirk is an absolute saint of a husband and loves me for who I am. Him joking about my forgetfulness to a supervisor at his work shows that. There has never been a time in our marriage that he hasn’t held an unwavering adoration for me. Even if I don’t get it myself, because lets face it that I am my own worst enemy, he genuinely cares and accepts all of me.
2. My crappy attitude overrode the kindness of his gift. I spent a good 15 minutes internally panicking at what I had done that I almost missed out on appreciating the things he did for me. In fact, he seemed upset at one point that I was upset to begin with. He didn’t remind me it was our anniversary, not out of spite to be like “Hey you forgot, you owe me.” He just wanted to do something nice and not have me feel like I needed to reciprocate when I was already overwhelmed with all of things I needed to get done.
3. Work isn’t worth it. Out of all the points I cannot stress this enough. There will always be some task to do or something you can work on but lets face it, spending every waking hour at your job is not fulfilling. Hell, if you are on salary its even less so. All that extra time for nothing more than a headache and missed time with the ones who matter most.
4. Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish. If I didn’t have so much of everyone else’s shit on my plate, would I have even forgotten in the first place? No. I hadn’t before. So learn to say NO. You don’t have to be this crazy, good at everything person. It just makes you tired and burnt out. And to be honest, Kirk has my back at all times. Half the shit I do for other peoples is so much and they don’t even appreciate it. My husband makes me feel seen and appreciated for the most minute things. You can’t pour from an empty glass and chances are your lack of backbone is causing the one/s closest to you to feel let down and unappreciated, even when it wasn’t your attention at all.

Everything worked out and Kirk and I now have a full date day planned for this Saturday so all is good but if you ever find yourself in this position just remember to prioritize what really matters to you in every decision in life. Work will be there whether it’s you or someone else but no one can replace what you mean to your loved ones.