We are about a month in to this personal experiment! WOOHOO! I started this website because I’m going through a quarter life crisis brought on by turning 29. I wanted to share my journey of trying to figure out who I am. Why I’m struggling to grasp where I’m at in life? I also wanted to give myself the year before I turned 30 to really let myself live. An experience experiment, you know?
I took stock of what I wanted to change about myself and what things I wanted to experience. I made a list of goals I wanted to achieve that were measurable. Also, a couple of things I wanted to conquer that weren’t measurable. I’ve written a lot about my fear of failure and how it has held me back in life. So what has changed since starting this website?
My gut reaction is to say that nothing has changed but that’s just not true. Part of this journey and something I wanted to change is to recognize myself for even the smallest victories. Give credit where credit is due. So, let me start with some changes or experiences that aren’t super deep.
First, I went to a Renaissance Festival for the first time and dressed up.
I always wanted to go but I think I had this expectation in my head that I wouldn’t fit in or I would be too over/under-dressed. A friend invited me along and before I talked myself out, I agreed to go and bought the tickets right there. I’ve noticed that doing things immediately helps me not to chicken out later.
Even still, the entire process of getting there was so full of self doubt. I shopped for costumes, looked on Pinterest for inspiration, even looked for historically accurate pictures (we went on Viking weekend), but I bought a costume that was nothing like I looked up. I tried playing it safe as to not stand out. Even the morning of I thought about feigning an illness to get out of going but I went. I’m so glad that I did!
It was the best time and most fun I’ve had at a festival in my life! Everyone was so supportive and there was literally no reason to worry because the costumes ranged from creative to historically accurate and even some really funny ones. I highly recommend going if you have one near you. Even if dressing up isn’t your thing, the food is to die for and the shows are pretty good as well.
I started scheduling time for myself.
I’m a workaholic to a major fault. I have a hard time sitting still, I feel guilty for taking rest days, and I have a tendency to put everyone else’s needs for my own. After stopping and thinking about my life, I realized that I was living for everyone else. Not myself. That realization has been hard to cope with. Who am I if I’m not everyone else’s caretaker? Well, I still don’t know yet. But, what I do know is that taking sometime to be by myself in some sort of self care action has really helped me be alone with my thoughts and start to sort out these complex emotions.
I do things that aren’t crazy expensive or majorly time consuming. For example, at least once a week I will take a long bath and read a book, explore something creative like drawing or painting, go sit outside and just breathe and look around. I even went for a relaxing drive by myself. Just something to be alone with my thoughts and understand what I’m missing/need.
It also doesn’t necessarily have to be alone. Just something that I enjoy and eases some of the anxiety. I was super stressed out a few weeks ago so my friend and I went on a much needed date for margaritas, chips and salsa, and gossip. There was a guy playing instruments and we had an absolute blast. We laughed, danced, got some serious and some not so serious topics in. When my husband picked us up, I felt a million times better.
On top of all of these things, I also go to therapy weekly. It’s not an overnight process but allowing myself space to exist without any judgement and scheduling that time has been extremely beneficial to this process.
I posted some of my art online.
This was such a leap. I always wanted to do something creative as a career but never pursued it due to being told that it wasn’t stable enough and not a career for responsible adults. Now as an adult, I realize that stability is nice but not everything. I want to do something with it. Not necessarily for money purposes, but just to see if it does go anywhere. So I posted it online.
It’s on Instagram and admittedly, I’m not that great. I’m not a hidden diamond in the rough artist that it would be a shame if no one ever knew my work. I’m more okay. I would say halfway decent. Not bad, but not great. I’m realistic with myself on this. There are so many talented artists and I put off a lot of developing more into my skill in that area to other things that I thought would impress my family more. In a way I think I sabotaged myself.
I won’t know if anything would’ve happened if I had gone for some creative career but I do know that by getting my art to have people see it is really scary and vulnerable but also cool. It’s something I never thought I would do but I did and the sky isn’t falling, hate comments aren’t rolling in, and I still remain to be my worst critic. I’ll keep practicing and taking time to learn and nurture these skills but I’m happy I took the plunge of vulnerability.
Long Story, Long….
So this is the start. I have made it a month! This is just the beginning but these are just some of the few things I’ve done so far. I still have a list of experiences I want to check off. I still am going to be working on this for the next year at least. This is about self improvement and helping myself out of a huge mental rut I’ve dug myself into and I think I’m doing okay.
If you’ve ever struggled with this and beat it, give me some tips. I’d love to hear them! Alternatively, if you are going through this now and are still struggling, feel free to join along and send an email with the things you’re accomplishing to get through it. Be easy on yourself and give yourself grace and continue pushing on!